


The Homeopathic Cure

by whatwecan



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Accidental Cunnilingus, Alien Biology, Awkward Sex, Crack, Cunnilingus, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Oral Sex, Possibly a little gross but I swear it's funny, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-16 02:49:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8083756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatwecan/pseuds/whatwecan
Summary: The Doctor faces the consequences of his newly carnal relationship with Rose in his customary manner: logically, and with total dedication!  Things don’t go quite as planned.





	

Humans were strange, the Doctor mused as he flipped a very surprised Rose Tyler onto her back and deftly removed her knickers. Even her, his lovely companion (and thanks to some recent, and very fortunate developments, new girlfriend). Strange in an amazing way, mind. But sometimes the Doctor simply couldn’t puzzle her out.

And most of the time that was good. The Doctor loved an adventure and while he admittedly knew very little about human sexual practices going into this relationship, he was really enjoying learning the rules as he went along. Who knew human sex could be so fun!? Or for that matter feel so good? 

Really really good. Blimey.

Still, as much as he loved her, there were some things about Rose the he occasionally found rather well… odd. Take for example the situation at hand. Rose could mention the strangest quirk of human biology: that females of her species (apparently) could get infections of the urethra from having too much (amazing) sex (and really how did that even make evolutionary sense?). But then when he went to administer the only logical remedy, she’d looked at him like HE was the barmy one.

The Doctor spread Rose’s legs. Running his fingertips up the inside of her thighs gently. Beautiful. She was beautiful. The Doctor licked his lips. Still, job to do. He willed himself not to get distracted. 

A UTI she’d called it. Lovely she may be, but there was no denying that having to go pee every five seconds was inferior biology. Thankfully, she had a Time Lord as a lover… Well thankfully she had HIM as a lover. Thinking about Rose being with any of the other Time Lords was giving the Doctor the heeby jeebies and he need all his concentration for the task at hand. 

The Doctor mentally rolled his eyes as he kissed his way down Rose’s hipbone. He hovered for a moment above the part of her that gave him so much pleasure, before lowering his head, opening his mouth, and giving her one long, slow lick from stem to stern. 

Yep, his super antibacterial Time Lord saliva would get Rose fixed up in a jiffy!

Rose moaned and he fixed her with a stern look. He knew a urinary tract infection must be uncomfortable, but she needn’t be a drama queen about it. The Doctor pressed a hand to Rose’s hip as he settled in, licking and sucking her soft petals. She’d gotten awfully squirmy, and he could see little enough of what he was doing as it was with his glasses all fogged up. Honestly, the Doctor thought as Rose bucked her hips, this would only take a minute if she would just be still. 

Although… Her infection seemed to be a bit worse off than he’d thought. There was a tiny area just there, that seemed quite swollen. The Doctor redoubled his efforts focusing on the spot that seemed particularly afflicted, sucking it into his mouth and rolling it along his tongue. 

With the hand not stabilizing Rose’s hip the Doctor diligently pressed two fingers inside her, slowly pumping them to spread as much of his saliva inside her as possible, crooking his fingers to be sure he didn’t forget to pay attention to the front and very back. He’d hate for Rose’s infection to come back because he’d failed to be thorough! 

Just about when the Doctor was about to call it a job well done and finish up, something very alarming happened. Rose began to spasm below him, her special place bearing down and clenching around his fingers in waves, as she let loose a long, low moan. 

Oh my god! He’d broken her. 

His brand new girlfriend and he’s already broken her! She was having a seizure. A very localized seizure. No one had told him that humans could do that!

Panicking, the Doctor lifted his head and pleaded with her. “Sorry. I’m so sorry Rose. I didn’t mean to give you a vagina seizure!" 

What should he do? Put a pillow under her rump? She’d told him to do that the other day but not for this. Thankfully Rose seemed to revive on her own quickly and, (weird human that she was) just laughed at him and swatted his arm limply. And he’d been so alarmed! 

Well he’d read somewhere that humans were calmer after epileptic fits. Rose certainly looked relaxed as she stretched and lounged back on the pillows of their shared bed. Still, it probably wouldn’t hurt to run some tests later, check for memory loss. At least her UTI should be cleared up. That was some small solace. 

He peered at her. "Feeling better Rose?” He asked her. 

Rose nodded lazily. “I am, ta!” She considered for a moment and then shot up to a seated position, surprise written all over her face. 

“I think my UTI’s gone too!”


End file.
